a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
