You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You're like the curious george of whores
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
