Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
