Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
