I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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