What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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