oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
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They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
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There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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