Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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