You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
