There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
