Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
