"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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