I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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