We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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