you guys were way drunker than both of me
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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