Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
