i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
