I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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