He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
