I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
