you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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