Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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