he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
