I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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