your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
How does it feel to date your dad?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
