if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
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