so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
there is glitter all over my balls
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
