I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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