I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Randomize
