I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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