The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
