Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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