I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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