I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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