i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
