Banned from zoo.
Again?
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
