I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
