You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
