Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
