We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
