I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
