I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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