I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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