he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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