so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
