This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
