I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
