my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Even my vagina gasped.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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