woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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