I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
