He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
