my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
