I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
