You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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