I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
