nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
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