its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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