Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
