fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
