Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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