i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
