why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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